while I looked around

Six pyramids made out of one hundred dollar billsIn my Monday-morning class, our final lesson had us riffing on an image included in our workbook—a pyramid built out of one-dollar bills. Kind of like the ones to the right, yes. Given that we’ve been reading the book of Exodus, which begins with the Israelites all living in ancient Egypt, my group felt the author was being pretty obvious with the “Egyptians and their pyramids” reference. Given that Exodus is also famous for including the Ten Commandments, we decided the author chose the image to get us to nod our heads sagely about “no other gods before me” and the US cultural worship of the almighty dollar. Blah, blah, blah, Captain Obvious.

Then one of my friends shared her epiphany. She felt she was on God’s side in the worship department—but she suddenly realized that she’s been worried (fretting-worried) about money. It’s been a rough few months for her, plus she said she’d just found out about yet another financial burden.

But, she said, if I’m worrying about money, I’m still not trusting God. Even if I don’t think I’m worshiping it! My priorities are not lined up well if I’m worrying.
This was something with teeth. We digested it for a while.

Though I was feeling pretty ok. As I’ve said before, I don’t worry…about money or anything else.

 

At 4am, I finally saw the log in my own eye to go with the worry-splinter my friend is trying to extract.

I may not worry about money,

but I am constantly hoarding time. And what is hoarding but a dragonish form of worry? Oh, and guess what? Enneagram writers note that Type 5s are prone to avarice, particularly with time. This does not make me any happier with my 4am log. It is rough, and heavy, and now has sent me back through my own writing to see things that I planned to spend time on that I haven’t been,

soul-gifts, things that have nothing to do with the school reading assignments wreathing my feet…

“…while I looked around for my possibilities… / I was so hard to please.”

 

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