odd logic of apathy

I veer in and out of existential meh these days. Mercifully not as uniformly grey as the other day’s, but even with the end of term at hand, “what difference, who cares” keeps washing over.

What intrigues me is:
however much the default stance of apathy remains at “do nothing,” the logic of “keep doing” is stealthily just as valid.

That is, if it doesn’t matter what’s done, one can as pointlessly keep on keeping on as to stop — which in the moment would be, in fact, to do something new as if it might matter. Which one doesn’t believe, yes?

It was a good remembrance to have while brushing my teeth, since I likely will never have the unthinking, automatic relationship with tooth-brushing that the rest of the US seems to.

Along with this:
I can make a case to myself in the aggregate that these various brief things I’ve added — tooth-brushing, centering prayer, parsha, making the bed — at some point will time-wise accumulate to Real Time, and so can/should be jettisoned in favor of more worthy options.

But in this frame of mind, I don’t have more worthy options. Reading the New York Times via my phone, while not as poorly-defensible as scrolling a social media feed, is at best equally worthy as dental hygiene or meditative silence. And we all know that that “at best” is on a very, very generous day.

Lastly, for today:
I noticed as I continuously re-pinned my meditative attention to breath-and-word that one “bah humbug!” aspect is a performative expectation. That is, I think: what has this done for me lately? Why am I doing this if nothing happens?

<sound of record-player needle dragged across LP grooves>

Even if I avoid the “how do I know nothing’s happening” discussion (you’re right; I don’t),
I keep asking “well, why does anything have to happen?” If “called it Good,” like God’s grace, arrives despite any activity or intent on the part of God’s creatures, for God created-things beautifully “are,” not “do.” Right?

Apathy+abundance: 10 minutes of meditation may not result in anything. Who cares? Well, that’s beside the point, too. Just sit down.

**

The wind is tossing the trees around, belying the implied warmth of the vivid sunshine. Perhaps I’ll go lay the perennials low, a worthy activity for fall.

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